When I was young I develop opinions on issues based on naive childish thoughts. I felt like I knew everything about being an adult and was ready to take on the world. I had very little life experience to back up these opinions. Life goes on and changes us. Sometimes these changes happen very quickly, and sometimes very slowly.
When I was in high school I was sure I would never have children. Friends around me were having children very young. Watching them struggle I realized being a mother was not for me. Of course at the time I was too young to even start worrying about being a mother.
When I was seventeen I met the man I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with. After dating for two years we talked about getting married, but the one thing we could not agree on was kids. I still didn’t want to have children. I had helped raise my nieces and nephews. I loved them so much. The thought of having a little person that I was responsible for shaping the person they would become scared me to death. I didn’t feel that motherly instinct to reproduce.
I took every precaution to prevent pregnancy. My boyfriend would say I was over cautious and that birth control was enough. We got engaged in the spring of 2001. We had finally agreed that having children wasn’t something we had to do to complete our relationship. We had moved forward and started to focus on career goals. The happiness we felt with each other was enough.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant like it was yesterday. The fear and disbelief of seeing that pink plus sign on the pregnancy test is still in my mind. I have to admit that I was angry. We were doing everything in our power to prevent pregnancy. I could not understand how it was possible. My boyfriend never directly said it to me, but I could tell he was ecstatic. He had compromised with me about not having a child, but in the end he got what he had always wanted. It took a little longer for me to come around to the idea of being a mother, but his support and pure joy had softened my heart. I was looking forward to the little life we had created inside me.
We booked an appointment right away with my doctor and made sure we both had the day off work. The drive to the appointment was something I will never forget. It was the last time we were happy together. During the appointment we found out that we had lost our baby. The news crushed both of us, but as weird as this sounds; It was harder on him than on me. I still to this day blame myself for feeling a little relieved.
Our relationship had hit a breaking point. We tried so hard to put it back together and support one another through it. All the work did the exact opposite. We had grown apart, and healed separately. The day after my birthday we broke up. It wasn’t a dramatic or horrible break up. We woke up and looked and each other, and knew we couldn’t keep holding onto this relationship because we were scared to let go.
Looking back on that day I would have fought for our relationship. If I had only known that one month later I would find out that I was pregnant again. We hadn’t spoken since. I was so terrified to call him. I had just started to heal from everything. It felt like I had been pushed right back into that doctors office again.
I dialed his number and waited for him to answer. The thought crossed my mind that he might not pick up. When he did I tried to hide my tears, yet even over the phone I was see through. I explained to him that I had taken a test and gone to the doctor. We were pregnant again. I knew there was a chance that we would not be getting back together. I never imagined he would tell me he couldn’t go through all of it again. He said the decision was up to me, and hung up.
I never thought I had that motherly instinct. I especially never believed I would be raising a child alone. Here I am ten years later with a beautiful little boy that I would die for. My son was born in April of 2002. He was premature. We have not had the easiest life, but I couldn’t have done it without him. Sometimes I think about the last words his dad had said to me. I wonder if he actually wanted me to terminate my pregnancy. To me that was never an option.
When my son was five years old I received and e-mail from his father. I could tell reading the e-mail that the guilt of what he had done had taken its toll on him. He asked if he could be part of our son’s life and he asked for my forgiveness. It wasn’t up to me. If it was, my son’s life, and mine would be completely different. I never thought I could swallow my pride, yet in the reply to his father I realized I had grown into a wonderful mother. I put the best interests of my son first. I had the motherly instinct after all.
My son’s father is now a big part of his life. It isn’t easy because he lives in another state. There is a lot of compromising and missed holidays. My son takes three trips every year to visit his dad. We never did give our relationship another chance nor have I completely healed from it all. I can say that I have forgiven him. I can’t feel anger towards something that cannot be changed. The anger has changed into feelings of sadness for my son’s father. He didn’t get to be there for the first five years of his life. We have raised a loving and precious little boy. Not only have my opinions about being a mother changed, I now believe it is the greatest joy I have ever experienced.
